Everything's Coming Up Roses

Being a teenager who was gay and not ready to come out of the closet was extremely difficult. It meant that I frequently went through the motions to try and convince others and myself that I was not gay. This included dating a few times.

My first date was with Toni Taylor. Toni was a nice girl, but a bit awkward. She looked very much like Shelley Duvall, but without the big eyes. She was a couple of years older than me and was much taller so I found her intimidating.

When I arrived to her house she invited me in. I wasn't sure what I was suppose to do. Should I sit close to her, should I sit next to her, should I sit across from her. I just didn't know. In all honesty, I wasn't even sure if she knew it was a date. I wasn't sure myself. She suggested I have a seat before she sat down so I was off the hook. The ball was in her court. She chose to sit close to me.

We chatted for several awkward minutes and then she got up to turn on music. I was nervous at this point. What was she going to put on? Was she trying to get romantic? What occurred was the last thing I could imagine. Toni put on music and began singing and dancing to "Everything's Coming Up Roses." She even wore a top hat that she tipped as she sang. Granted, this was my first date, but I was reasonably sure this wasn't typical.

After her song and dance routine, I suggested we head out to dinner. My choice of locations and entree were a bad idea. I had spaghetti. Little did I know that spaghetti was the kiss of death in job interviews and first dates. As you would expect, sauce wound up all down the front of my shirt.

This was not going well.

When we arrived back to Toni's house we went to her backyard and sat on the hammock. We chatted and laughed for awhile, but the entire time I was thinking that I had to make my move. I knew if I didn't she would think I was strange. I knew it's what she was expecting. Afterall, she's the one who brought me back there on a star filled night. Being the Romeo I was I reached my arms to embrace her. This was no sweet embrace, though. This was the type of embrace you give a frail old woman who's bones are about to snap. I clutched her closer and she grew rigid. Clearly I was not doing this right, but I kept doing the best I could. I pulled her down onto the hammock to give her a kiss and as expected we both flipped out and landed heads first on the ground. I laughed to break the tension. Toni saw no humour in the situation.

Soon after the hammock incident we were at her door and I was telling her goodnight. I leaned forward with my lips puckered like a little girl to kiss her. She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek.

For the next year we would pass each other in the hall at school. We would be cordial and say hello, but that was it. Never again did we mention our "date". I'm sure she did her best to forget it. I know I have. Fortunately over the years I became much better at dating. I don't know if it came with age, or if it came from dating men, but it certainly couldn't have gotten any worse.

Depression Has Struck Again

It's probably the let down from the trip, but I've been having a real hard time being motivated to do anything the past couple of days. I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I think that's what I'm going to do.

Slowly Killing Your Soul

merger, analysis, consult,
dividends, recruitment, associates,
implementation, strategic planning,
productivity, restructure, outcome,
negotiate, long-term, exemption,
directive, recruit, gross, net,
operational, recession, shareholders....
lap tops, cell phones, i phones, Blackberries, raspberries, snozberries....

All the above summarizes what I saw and heard at the airport on my trip home last week. Mostly from stressed, angry looking people wearing expensive suits. I use to be one of them.

6:00am Walk up in the morning and grab a cup of coffee
7:30am Begin work, drink 2 pots of coffee, return phone calls and emails and work on presentation.
12:00n Have lunch with co-workers and talk business the entire time
1:00pm Return from lunch and head to a meeting
2:30pm Back at the desk to return a dozen phone calls and an equal number of emails.
3:30pm Another afternoon meeting
5:00pm Back at desk to return a dozen phone calls and an equal number of emails.
6:00pm Resume completing paperwork.
7:00pm Head home

Those were typically my days. Too many are living it right now. Some probably look at that and think I had it easy. One of the few benefits having a mood disorder is that it got me out of that corporate environment. It was hell being there. Sure, I got to travel to exciting places, I had the big office and the fancy title. I managed a large region. I felt I was important, and I was to the company. I was just like all those stressed out drones at the airport. Important: yes. Fulfilled: no.

And the sad thing was that I really wasn't important. Sure, the job I did was important to the corporation, but if I left, which I did, the corporation would keep operating. If the corporation shut down, which it hasn't, the world would keep spinning.

I had a friend who is active in the film and television industry. She is close friends with numerous celebrities. I asked her once why so many stars end up dying from suicide and drug overdose. Her response was, "Because they have it all. At least they think they do." She went on to explain that they've acquired all there is to acquire, they've achieved fame, etc. and they then look around and ask "Is this all there is?" She said her belief is that's why they feel so hollow inside. I think that is true for many people. Even if they don't physically die, they allow themselves to die inside.

That was me. I'm happy to be finding myself again.

My Sad Baby Girl

My visit with my 11 year old daughter this week has been amazing. We've had so much fun doing things, but most of our fun has been talking and laughing.

Today I reminded my little girl that tomorrow was the last day of my visit. She frowned, bowed her head and said "Oh no." It made me sad and it brought a tear to my eye, yet, it also made me ecstatic to see how much she cared. Is it wrong when it feels good to make your child sad? As a long distance dad, the one thing I worry about most is her resenting me. I fear her believing I don't love her. I fear she will lose touch with how much I care. It felt good to get a visual and vocal reminder of how much she does care and the funny thing is I don't feel guilty about that. Probably a bit selfish on my part, but I'll own it.

So tomorrow we're off to a day at the zoo and then I'll have to say goodbye to Sierra. I hope it's not long before I can visit again.

Oh How I Ache

I've been visiting my daughter in Nebraska and this is the 2nd day I'm here.

I begin each day with a walk and today was no different. I was proud of myself because I walked twice as far as normal to go to Starbucks just to get an Internet connection. I'd forgotten that meant I had to do the same thing to return. Not even 11 am and I was already exhausted.

When I reached my daughter's house I was beat, but we had to walk right back to Starbucks to catch the bus to the roller rink. The bus driver forgot to tell us where to get off so we wound up at the mall with 45 minutes until the next bus. What else do people do at malls other than shop? Yeah, walk. By this point I was beyond wore out. I got on my knees and begged God forgiveness for what ever I had done.

We finally reached the roller rink and I insisted I was not going to skate. I learned today that there is no greater power than an 11 year old girls pouty face. I rented skates. Why would anyone build a roller rink without a rail!!!! Who would think of such a thing? I don't know who, but I hate them. This 44 y/o fat man looked pretty ridiculous practically crawling around the rink. I kept telling myself that no one there knew me so quit worrying about making an ass out of myself. But I cared...oh how I cared. For everyone else's amusement I finally did fall in a very ungracious manner. Smack! Right on top of my arm. That was it. It was on to the video games for me.

Sierra eventually came to join me. We battled on a couple of games and the race cars, but that wasn't good enough for her. She obviously had an evil plan to put her 'ol man into an early grave. She insisted I join her on one of those dance thingies. I don't know what they are called, but they are the ones where you watch a screen and have to step the way the screen tells you so that you are doing a lot of fast dancing. Not realizing that my heart was ready to explode inside my chest at this moment, she thought it was funny that I scored rock bottom on every set.

After a horrible pizza dinner at the rink we finally went home where I tried to repair her bicycle. Finally I had to give up on that. A glutton for punishment I suggested we go for a walk to chat before I left. I must be an idiot. We walked for 30 minutes, I dropped her off at home and called it a evening.

Now it's the end of the night. I had to peel my clothes off myself. Every square inch of my body aches as well as being sunburned from head to toe. I now have a throbbing headache and just figured out I have an Internet connection right where I'm staying. I can only imagine what this kid is going to try to do to me tomorrow. I hope it involves lots of sitting. Maybe I'll take her to the racetracks.

That all being said - today has been one of the best days of my life.

Day One.

Sitting and Starbucks in Omaha right now having a delicious scone.

Day One: The trip was fabulous. The last time I flew I had to get one of those embarrasing extensions for my seat belt. This time I wasn't even close to needing one. Woooo Hoooo! Those of you who keep telling me to stop worrying about my weight but instead notice how my body is reacting...Keep on telling me.

Took my daughter and my ex out to dinner last night and it went well. Had a great time with my kid playing video trivia and competing with everyone else at the restaurant. We actually did well. The ex and I "got along". We really got along when I told her that Maurice may be able to build her a new pc at no charge. (Free stuff wins most people over).

Please, please say many prayers for me. Today we're roller skating. I hope to be able to post again, If not, you'll know I'm in the hospital.

On The Road Again...

How is Bradley? Excited and nervous at the same time. Tomorrow I fly 1500 miles to visit my daughter in Nebraska. It's been 1 1/2 years since I've seen her and she has grown so much since then. I can't wait to see her and spend some one on one time as well as working through the list she's given of things she'd like to do.

The nervousness comes from meeting up with my ex-wife again. When we divorced we agreed to remain friends and we did, unfortunately I then made two new best friends - drugs and alcohol. The relationship between my ex wife and I began to dissolve at that point. Silly her, she had an issue when the child support payments stopped coming in. Our relationship has not been great since then.

So, we'll see how it goes. I'll be taking a laptop but I'm not sure how often I'll be posting. It depends how often I'll be able to get to Starbucks to use their wireless. So if you don't here from me for another week, all is good.

Depression Sucks

I haven't been posting as much as I use to. I'm sure that pleases many of you. I am Bipolar II, which typically tends to lean more towards depression and the upswings into mania are not so severe. The past couple of weeks I've been dealing with the depressive side.

It wasn't long ago that when I was depressed, I would completely shut down. I'd stay in bed mostly, have the blinds closed and wouldn't care about was going on in the world. Nothing was getting done around the house and I didn't even worry about my hygiene. Fortunately now I still get depressed but can usually work through it. The bad news is that when I get depressed I can usually work through it. That means I'm getting shit done but am still feeling depressed. Now, I have a choice and climbing back into that bed and pulling the covers over my head is damn tempting. In some ways it was easier when I didn't have a choice and just shut down.

The one thing that is still very difficult to do is hygiene. I don't know why, but most people I talk with that deal with depression say it's the most difficult thing for them as well. Brushing teeth and taking a shower are the last things in the world I want to do. Yeah, yeah...ick. If I wasn't married, I probably would skip both. When I was in deeper depression I did skip them and didn't care. I don't know what it is about turning on the water and stepping in that is so exhausting, but it's the last thing I want to do when feeling down.

When I was going through my rapid cycling period (up and down from mania to depression quickly) I was able to write my posts very easily. I'd plop my ass down in this chair and pump out a post in no time full of my wit and wisdom. Being in a depressed state it ain't so easy. I don't know if it's because I had more to say when I was cycling up and down, if it was just easier to post when I was manic more often, or what, but it's damn harder to come up with a subject. My brain just doesn't want to work that hard lately, which is disappointing because I love blogging.

Waaaaaaah. So this is my whiny post. I think we all need a whiny post now and again.