Obsession

Our apartment is a mess. If you live in Los Angeles you know how dirty a place can get. The window sills and much of the apartment get covered in black soot. On top of not dusting well, I have now let the dishes pile up, the bathroom is in desperate need for a cleaning, the carpet is a disaster and I have paperwork scattered throughout the house that I will get around to, someday.

Then one day I'll get a little obsessive. Okay, a lot excessive. After letting the house get way out of control, I'll want to clean it all up in one day and nearly killing myself in the process. Of course, I don't get it all done. In fact, while I'll be proud of myself for multi-tasking, I end up getting none of the chores done.

Lately I've had an obsession that is turning into a good thing. I think most directory's out there are too messy. A lot of information you don't use or need. As a result I've been thinking I'd like to create a directory of my own that is short and simple. I hadn't had the inspiration until I saw Humor Bloggers which was developed by Chelle, the offended blogger.

She has a simple directory that she created that is very much like what I've been wanting to do. As a result, I've now become obsessed with getting my directory up and running. You can find it at Mental Health Blogging. Even though my pdoc has warned me about overloading myself, this is one project I felt needed to be done.

It's not completely finished but if you are a blogger on any type of Mental illness, please feel free to submit your blog. I will approve them as fast as I can so they will be on display.

If you don't have a Mental Health blog, but are interested in participating in the community and learn, then please feel free to apply and check the box off that you are registering as a guest.

Upon approval you will be have your blog posted with a description as well. Currently the chat room or the forums aren't working, but they will be very soon.

Thank you, Chelle, for giving me the inspiration.

Please take a look at Mental Health Blogging and tell me what you think.

Time for a Do-Over

DAMN! I've gained weight again, dammit! I guess I should be happy, dammit, because I'm still 10 pounds less than when I started. But dammit, I feel like I'm starting fresh all over again,
Damn! Damn! Damn!

Now that I'm done with my tantrum, let's look on the bright side:

• As of this past Friday, I no longer take any medications that are notorious for causing weight gain.


• I just turned 45 yesterday. Granted, the older you get the more your metabolism slows down, however, it has me more concerned about my health. As of right now, other than my weight, I'm in excellent health. I want it to stay that way.


• I have tons of support from my friends and fellow bloggers around the world.

Rather than get upset about my weight going up a bit, I'm going to do what I call a do-over, meaning I'm resetting my goals and my tracking. Here, once again, I'm laying it all out there for all to see:

I'm 5'5" tall and weigh 283 pounds. My long term goal is to lose 120 lbs. Because losing that much weight is a bit overwhelming, I make shorter mini goals to get there. My current mini goal is to lose 20 pounds. I will not weigh myself more than once a week. Many of you have told me that I shouldn't worry about the scale, but that's not the way my brain thinks. I need specific, verifiable goals to work towards.

Here are my current pictures:

As for being honest, I had breakfast at McDonald's this morning and damn were those breakfast burritos tasty.

Uncle Bradley

Uncle Bradley has received much positive feedback regarding his advice and will therefore make "Uncle Bradley's Words of Wisdom" a regular Friday feature. He can't do it without you. Be sure to send any questions you may have to him to help keep his column running. You can either post messages in the comments area or by clicking the send email button.

What do you think of the Uncle Bradley column? Good? Bad? Indifferent?

Uncle Bradley's Words of Wisdom

This week I have two questions that were asked of Uncle Bradley and both have to do with important the issue of coming out.

My first question comes from Alan of Alan Gay and Straight:

I've been visiting someone in the hospital everyday. Anyways here's my Q-
Two female nurses have hit on me this week and one asked me to go "for a coffee sometime" so I should say ???

First, Alan, allow yourself to stroke your ego a bit. It's always flattering when someone comes on to you. I'm a big time flirt with males and females, straights and gays. It's perfectly ok and fun but only if all parties are aware of your sexual orientation. That, brings us to your question.

People see coming out as a one time deal when in reality it is a lifelong process. Those of us who are gay have to come out nearly every day People don't have to announce their male or female. They don't have to announce whether they are black or white. Homosexuals, on the other hand, are frequently forced to come out for one reason or another for reasons straight people don't face, such as this.

First, let's go over the direct approach. This could go something like replying "Just so you understand, I am gay but would still enjoy going out for a cup of coffee." They nurses may act negatively towards this, but that's there issue not yours. Knowing you've been through rehab, I'm sure you understand what it means to be honest but accepting that the other persons reaction is not your responsibility.

If you don't want to use the direct approach, there is also the option to respond in a more subtle way. Some would call it a cop out, but I use it when I'm just plain tired of having to come out all the time and has nothing to do with shame. Just drop little hints of a date you may have had, or that some man is good looking, or any little tidbit that may give them the idea you are gay. This is not the way I necessarily would recommend, but could be a good one if it makes you feel more comfortable.

There is also the option to go with her for coffee, have her offer dinner and then after enjoying a delicious free meal you can tell her you are gay. That probably isn't a very nice way to come out to her though.

Whichever way you choose to let these ladies know, I hope it turns out well for all involved.

***

My second question comes from Anonymous:

Hi, I'm a gay man at an elite college that I play sports for. No one knows that I'm gay. I'm afraid to let any one know in fear of the reactions that I may get from my " very male" team mates. I think that it would be better for me mentally and emotionally to come out of the closet. What do you think I should do and how ?

Anonymous, there is no way that I or anyone else can tell you if you should come out of the closet. It was mostly a wonderful experience for me, but many have not had good experiences. Personally, I would love for you and all gay people to come out, but each has to do it in their own time and in the way that works for them.

Your timing is impeccable. If you are in the U.S. National Coming Out Day is just around the corner on Saturday, October 11th. Your community, or college may have some type of event planned. This could be a good way to get materials and talk with others about their experiences.

Another excellent resource is the Human Rights Campaign website. They have guides on the coming out process that you can either read online or print out. They also list many of the Coming Out Day events going on around the country.

As for me, coming out was a slow process. First I came out to my family. After that I came out to my closest friends. After that it was about 3 or 4 years before I had fully come out at work and with other people in my life. I don't know your teammates, but there may be the concern of physical harm if you come out to them. That is something to take into consideration. There's no need to feel you have to dress in drag one day and announce it to the entire world.

I would also suggest you discuss this matter with one of the counselors at your college, or some local community center. You don't have to go through this alone.

Because you're an athlete you may enjoy checking out the Gaysports website. Here is the link: http://gaysports.com/

Here's also the link to the Human Rights Campaign's page on coming out:
http://www.hrc.org/issues/coming_out.asp

Whether you choose to come out now or later, and whichever way you choose to do so, I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my thoughts. Be sure to drop us a note later and let us know how it goes. And please, don't try the showing up in drag routine.


****************************
Uncle Bradley's Words of Wisdom is posted every Friday. Please place your questions in any comments section during the week or drop me an email. I look forward to hearing from you.

Uncle Bradley is not a trained physician or counselor. He is just a guy sharing his advice and his experiences.

Finally Went to Vocational Rehab

I finally got up the nerve to schedule a meeting with vocational rehab. I've been fearful of it for a long time. I was certain the counselor would say I'm ready to go to work and then two big men would pop in the door and bound me with shackles. While the idea of being in shackles is not necessarily a bad thing, in my mind this was not one of those good scenarios.

I'd always said that Satan would not show up with a pitchfork and a tail, but instead would appear in a very unassuming form. My Voc Rehab Counselor, Christina, was going to prove me right. She was a small little thing and cute as can be. She was going to doom me to a life of flipping burgers while wearing a ball and chain.

As it turns out, the Voc Rehab counselor is not involved in determining whether I'm ready to go to work or not. She's just there to provide information and options on what to do when MY DOCTOR AND I say I'm ready. What a relief that was.

In the past I assumed I would end up putting pegs in holes the rest of my life. Now I've got a better understanding that is not the case. Apparently they'll even help me get through school (If there is money in the budget) so that I can start my own web design business.

Sure, sure, some would resent my being put through school rather than doing it on my own. I understand that but I also realize that having me continue on the governments payroll isn't a good option either. I guess the third option would be to toss me out on my ass and make me do what I need to do. I can assure you that I've been homeless sleeping on park benches before and I was not in any way a productive member of society.

Yesterday was a terribly depressing day. I was so down that I didn't shower or shave or brush my teeth the entire day. This morning I had to drag my ass to get to my counselors and now after the visit I can say it's a pretty good day.

I did weigh myself today and don't plan to reveal it now. I almost cried, but decided to not let it ruin my bad attitude.

Paranoia

The Only Thing That's Constant is Change

I like "change for the sake of change". That's what a former employer of mine told me. It was before I was diagnosed as bipolar so I'm certain she was right. Promoting change is perceived as one of my faults or assets, depending on who you ask and what day it is. Living up to these standards I've decided it's time to change the focus of this blog. Don't worry, nothing too major going on, just something I need to do about this innertube around my waist. Since I started five months ago the primary focus has been on coping with having bipolar disease and secondarily focusing on my diet, exercise and weight loss. I shared plenty of stories about Tigger Mania, the Chihuahua Syndrome, etc. While I'm still crazy as a loon, I have seen dramatic change due to medication and therapy. I've only experienced a few days lately where I've had high mania or low depression. I'm not one hundred percent balanced, but I may never be.

When I started this blog I weighed a whopping 293 lbs. Today I weigh a whopping 279. I grant you that a 14 lb loss is better than a stick in the eye, but it's not much in the grand scheme of things. For my own health and safety it's time to flip the coin. Weight loss needs to be my primary focus, while I continue to share my life as someone diagnosed as bipolar.

What does this mean to you my dear readers? Probably not too much. You'll see more pictures of me I'm sure (sorry about that), more moaning about excercise, and huge crocodile tears over the loss of my regular Ben & Jerry runs.

Don't worry old friends who are more interested in the roller coaster that runs through my brain. You'll get plenty of that too. So I'm off now. I need to go to Dunkin Donuts to get a dozen to enjoy while I ponder what to write about tomorrow.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT UNCLE BRADLEY'S WORDS OF WISDOM!
Uncle Bradley will be back again this Friday to answer any personal question. If you need to ask for some help in any situation, just leave a message in one of the comment sections or you can drop me an email. In your email, let me know if you'd like it to be anonymous.

These Are a Few

It's a gloomy morning here in LA and I've gaines some weight so I'm back up to 279. Both of these have me feeling a little down today. Rather than wallow in pity I've decided to take a queue from Julie Andrews and think of a few of my favorite things.

• kittens and puppies
  
• children's laughter
• manicures and pedicures
  
• talking with my daughter
• Maurice
• peanut butter by the spoon
• Reeses cups
• laying on the beach
• cookie dough
• blogging
• random web surfing
• dancing
• sunrises and sunsets
• romance comedies
• watching "The Birdcage" for the thousandth time
• the desert
• Boston
• horseback riding
• web designing

The list could go on and on, but I just needed a few to life my spirits a tad bit.

Don't forget, I'll be doing "Ask Uncle Bradley" again this Friday, so if you have a question you'd like to ask be sure to get it in. You can ask in any of the comments sections or you can send an email. If you send an email be sure to notate whether you want it to be anonymous or not.

I'm Loved

One things I love about blogging is finding out about others blogs who have been reading for awhile. One such blog is 200 Sacred Words by Vincent Parker. The other day I received the I Love Your Blog award from Vincent so I had to go and take a look at his blog for awhile. I'm sure glad I did. Thank you, Vincent.

Rather than follow the rules, I'm going to highlight a blog that I enjoy very much. That is Wellness Writer by Susan Bernard. While Susan and I don't always see eye to eye on some topics regarding bipolar disease, I always respect her writing and what she has to say. She clearly is extremely knowledgeable about her subject matter and shows a great respect for her readers. Thank you Susan for many hours of enjoyable and informative reading. Susan, this award is presented to you to do as you wish, just know it is heartfelt from me.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Uncle Bradley

Yesterday, I answered a personal question that was asked of me. It was a lot of fun so I decided I'm going to give a try at making it a regular part of my blog. Please feel free to ask me any question that you would like answered. You can ask in the comments section or via email. If you use email, be sure and let me know if you'd like it to be anonymous.

Based on how many questions I receive, I will answer some or all sometime next week.

Uncle Bradley's Words of Wisdom

Dani authors the blog Mom's Crazy Life. In the past Dani and I have exchanged advice back and forth regarding blogging and a few personal questions. This past Tuesday, however, Dani chose to ask a question of an even more personal nature and asked it openly in the comments section of this blog. Considering that, I hope she doesn't mind me responding publicly as well.

Dani wrote:

I have a question for you. I hope you don't mind. I figured I'd ask considering you've given me such great advice before. Okay, I have this woman at work whom is nothing but a spiteful b*tch. She does everything and anything in her power to try and make me miserable. I really don't think anything has ever been provoked for I don't recall ever doing anything to her at all. She continuously makes snidey comments and remarks and basically makes working unbearable. Do you have any suggestions?

Dear Dani,

I think it's time you put this woman in her place. You are a nurse in a medical facility so you have many options. Personally, I'd give her some anesthesia and place her on a gurney to have a kidney taken out. Hell, you could even sell her kidney on the black market.

If you are unwilling to do that then I think you need to talk with this bitch. Don't be confrontational. If she gets upset and tries to make it into a fight, don't allow her to drag you down. You can't control her reactions, but you can control yours. This could be all it takes to get down to the bottom of the problem. It could even be a complete misunderstanding.

If a discussion doesn't work then your other option is to go to your boss. You may feel uncomfortable doing so and feel you'll just be causing problems, but then you need to accept your choice and just deal with it. Any good manager will refuse to allow discourse in the office. As a manager, my rule always was that my employees didn't have to be friends but they did have to treat each other with respect.

One important question to ask, however, is she sleeping with the boss? If that's the case then you can expect nothing to be done. In fact, bringing the issue up could get you fired. On the other hand, if you are certain she is not sleeping with the boss then you might want to consider doing so. That is an excellent way to ensure no one in the office messes with you.

If you find that she doesn't respond well by speaking with her and your boss refuses to do anything about the situation then I highly recommend considering a transfer or going to another facility. No one should have to work under those conditions. As frustrating as it may be, all the choices you follow and decisions you make are yours. You can't force another person to change. In life, the ball is almost always in your court.

~ Uncle Bradley

Self Conscious

I'm a Travelin' Man...

Last week I listed all the jobs I've had in my life and I figured I'd follow it up today with all the places I've lived. In Alcoholics Anonymous my actions would be referred to as "Geographics". That means I'd move in hopes that all my problems would go away. Being the good little alcoholic I am, in addition to having bipolar disease, I moved a few times here and there in hopes of finding a land of sunshine, daisies and lollipops. Unfortunately when you move you keep all your shit in the trunk.

It's not too extensive of a list, but here, at the risk of offending many, is my list of places I've lived as an adult:

Greensboro/High Point, North Carolina: If racism, poor education, and tobacco spitting are your cup of tea then this area is the place for you. The Klan was practically a social club in my high school. Things did get better as the years progressed and more outsiders moved into the area. I hear it's changed dramatically these days. It's still my understanding that if you drive outside the three major cities of Greensboro, Raleigh or Charlotte that it's still like stepping back into the 1940's. Remember, this is the state that kept Jesse Helms in office for years and years. It is a very pretty state, though.

Omaha, Nebraska: You're probably going to assume I have lots of bad things about this sleepy Midwestern city, but that's not true. Sure, Omaha is not a gay mecca, nor is it the action hot spot of the U.S., but this family oriented city has plenty of charm. It does happen to be in a very red, right wing state though and that's a big negative in my opinion.

Phoenix, Arizona: Moved here to get away from the snowstorms. Despite having tennis shoes melt as I walked down the sidewalk, this is still my favorite place I ever lived. Traffic is terrible, dust storms would fill my pool with mud and the polution is very bad, however, I love the beauty of the desert. Also, I love the fact that you can be in the heart of the city and 30 minutes later it's like being in the middle of nowhere.

Las Vegas, Nevada: This is the first city I really didn't like. Everything that makes the city fun and exciting to visit, makes it absolute hell to live there. Seeing people spending their paychecks playing slots at the supermarket on Sunday mornings was just too damn depressing to me.

Stockton, California: This is by far the worst city I ever lived in. The only nice thing I can say about it is that it is only 80 miles from San Francisco. Take the worst inner city ghetto, move it to farm country and you've got Stockton. As the manager of our operation, I didn't enjoy fires in the bathroom after employees emptied their hot crack pipes into the trash. I couldn't wait to leave.

Los Angeles, California: Leaving Stockton and moving to LA County was one of the better decisions I've made. I've lived all over this city, including Studio City, Brentwood, and Hollywood. Currently I live in the Los Angeles South Bay which is not far north from Long Beach. Once home to artist communities, most of the bungalows have been torn down and replaced by big homes and condos for yuppies, yet it still has kept some of it's sleepy area charm. Being so close to the beaches are a big plus too. Despite what you hear about Angeleno's, in my community people actually say hello to you when they pass you on the street.

We don't know where we're going to end up next. Maurice and I are both tired of living in cities and are considering finding a smaller community in Northern California. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Time For Some Updates

Exercise:

The last time I posted my weight, I had lost some weight and had reached a plateau and was struggling to lose 2 more pounds as a mini goal. I haven't been on a scale since then and for good reason. I haven't taken a good healthy walk since returning from my vacation a few weeks ago. Those who read my vacation posts know that I was no slacker during my trip. In fact, I walked 2 - 3 times more than normal. Since I've been back, however, I just can't get motivated to get moving. I use to walk around 5am each morning and these days I nearly always get up at 4am, so that is no excuse. I know I need to just get out and do it, but I've had no motivation. It doesn't help that I've had a continuous low lying depression which has me in that famous Catch 22 - diet and excercise reduce depression, but when you're depressed the last thing you want to do is diet and exercise.

Diet:

Ugh. I don't want to even discuss my diet. I'm at least not eating continuously throughout the day. I am eating meals and snacking in between, but the meals I'm having are not the most healthy fare. Pizza, frozen pot pies, lots of pasta and gobs and gobs of peanut butter (Yeah, yeah, I know. I swore I wouldn't let peanut butter in the house again). In addition, I've been a little on the Ben & Jerry's kick as well. Tsk Tsk on me.

Because I'm a person who needs goals and measurements of them, I'm finally going to get on the scale at the end of the week. That's when my next doctors appointment is. I hope it's not as bad as I expect, but I'll keep you posted either way.

Anxiety:

Once again I have a severe case of the Chihauha Syndrome. My husband, Maurice, swears this is one of the reasons I can't excercise. He thinks I'm expelling too much energy from shaking all day. My left arm shakes violently all the time. At first we were concerned it was neurological, however, I am able to stop it - I just have to start shaking my right hand. If I need both hands I can just start shaking a foot. No matter which appendage I use, one of them needs to be shaking. It's also frustrating because it's very noticible and that means people are now asking me how I'm doing again. (sigh). It gets tiring having to explain the problem or trying to convince them I'm really ok. Hearts may be in the right place, but it's maddening.

Medications:

Because I'm still dealing with low lying depression, mania and major anxiety, I'm going through major drug changes again. I don't expect everyone out there to understand what all these drugs are for, but just want to give you a list of what I take:

Effexor
Cymbalta
Propanorol
Klonopin
Depakote
Lamictal
Neuronton
Lasix

That's 8 different types of meds, some of which I take several times a day. It's quite a meal sometimes when I have to take nearly all. The goal is to wean me off a couple of them over the next few weeks, but that's what I'm taking for now. It seems like I"m always in the process of weaning off some and starting on others. (sigh)

So there's my list. Overall it's not one that makes me too happy, but we'll see how it goes over the next few weeks.

I'm Brillante!

Even though I have said no more MEME's, my friend Stephany gave me one and that's AOK with me. I have a lot of respect for Stephany and her blog Soulful Sepulcher, so I'm going to let her slide on this.

On Soulful Sepulcher, Stephany offers something for everyone. You'll find updates on medical research, poetry, random thoughts and pleasant words from her garden. There's something for everyone and she's high on my list of blogs I read daily. Thank you Stephany for breaking my rules and offering this reward.

Now I'm suppose to pass this award on to seven others. I'm going to steal da Old Man's idea of limiting the number that I pass it on to. It's just too hard to narrow it down to seven. Instead I'm going to pass it on to a good blogging friend of mine, Kimala and her blog reSLience.

Kimala's blog is full of her exciting and silly times while she is in the virtual world of Second Life. If you're not familiar with Second Life, then read her blog and you'll get an idea of how fun it can be.

If you're not interested in Second Life, then don't worry, Kimala has plenty more to offer. This working mom also shares about her life, her kids, her husband, and more. Her writing skills are excellent and she never fails to draw me into her tales.

Do yourself a favor and check out reSLience. I'm glad I did.

Take This Job and Shove It

It's not too uncommon for those with bipolar disorder to hold down many jobs. At least that's true for me. I'd be the best employee on earth one week and the worst the next week. I'd bust my ass to be the best employee I can be (and usually was), but suddenly would get a bug up my butt and find a new job.

In addition to my bipolar disorder, I also am an alcoholic. Alcoholics are notorious for dealing with jobs the same way. They typically are great employees as long as they make it to work. I was able to balance that pretty well until I started putting white stuff up my nose. As a database administrator, it's a little hard to concentrate on programming when crystal meth is swirling in your brain. Most of my working career was working in the hotel industry (16 years), but even there I held numberous jobs. Here's my list of jobs, plus comments on each:

In the hotel industry:

• Bellman (Great job. Have to be a scam artist and it's fun)
  
• Front Desk Clerk (Fun employees. Guests are a nightmare)
  
• PBX Switchboard Operator (Dull but was good third shift job to earn extra income. Never had to do anything but listen to late night talk radio and get paid for it)
  
• Reservation Agent (This became my calling for many years)
  
• Worldwide Reservation Agent (More different than in hotel reservation agent than you'd think and a continuation of working in reservations)
  
• Area Director of Reservation Sales (This became my career. My territory was Monterey CA to Anchorage AK)
  

Other jobs I've held:

• Newspaper Boy (I was terrible. No one got their paper on time)
  
• Charles Chip Potato Chip Delivery Man (Door to door potato chip sales. What a concept)
  
• Manager Baskin Robbins (Gained too much weight)
  
• AAA Motor Club Salesman (Hard to make a good living selling $35 club memberships)
  
• Hallmark Gift Shop Clerk (Started as a favor to a friend and wound up staying awhile. A grown man working in a gift shop - am I gay or what?)
  
• Laundry Pick Up/Delivery (Worked around 3rd shift PBX job. Shouldn't be driving as tired as I was. Other drivers should be grateful they're still alive)
  
• Grounds Crew for Public Housing (City benefits and good pay)
  
• Cleaning Printing Presses (Dirtiest job I've ever held. Climbing inside and scraping ink. Gay men don't like dirt under their fingernails.)
  
• Baker (Again, gained too much weight making donuts)
  
• Packager for Sears Distribution Center (Not a bad job even though I don't like Sears)
  
• Order Taker for Junk They Sell on TV (Pure misery)
  
• Gallup Pollster (One of the worst companies I ever worked for)
  
• Water Purifier Salesman (Had to be a total crook. I wasn't good at that)
  
• Waiter (Not a bad job, but I was the worst waiter on earth unless you like your steak cold)
  
• Database Administrator (Great job, but this is when drug abuse was in full swing. Company was nice enough to lay me off rather than fire me)
  
• Grocery Store Checker/Stocker (My first job after getting sober)
  
• Coffee shop manager (Good job, but hated working for a racist/homophobic/sexist company - No, it wasn't Starbucks but one of their 3 main competitors)
  
• Church Office Clerk (Great job, should have kept it. Low pay but fun)
  
• Web Designer (Career I began until bipolar went full swing. Consider it my current career even though I'm not working) I love it and hope it's the one I retire on.
  

Looking back and at my list, it's obvious to me now why I've been perceived as more than a little flaky. Can you imagine trying to put together a good resume with that background? Let's just say I have to fudge a bit here and there.

A Moment of Silence....

The Great Chicken Plot

Miss Granich was a mean old bitch. She was the most disliked teacher in my high school and for Mark and I the dislike was most intense. She was the French teacher. I took Spanish so I was lucky enough to never have her as a teacher, but I did know her from monitoring and chastising in the hallways. She was very much like the bald Vice Principal in Back To The Future. Mark also took Spanish, but was doomed each year to have her as his homeroom teacher. We both also had to endure her from time to time in detention. I swear the woman must've requested to be over detention hall each year.

One day Mark and I devised the best prank ever. We planned to sneak to the school at night and release either a pig or some chickens inside. This plan would be easy because I was in high school before all the new developments were built. My school was in the middle of the country surrounded by cattle pasture, corn fields and forest. We discussed where to release the poor critters and of course we decided Miss Granich's room would be the perfect target.

First we had to make sure our plan would work and that would require additional help. Todd took French during the last period of the day so we had him open the lock on the old bitches window on Thursday. Friday morning the window was still unlocked when Mark checked it. It was still unlocked at the end of the day when Todd checked it. Step one of our nefarious plan was in place.

There was a chicken farm not far from the school so Mark and I decided we would use chickens. A pig would probably be too heavy and chickens in a room for a weekend would make a horrible mess.

Step two required that we determine how often the police patrolled the school. There was a minimum security prison nearby so we were certain they had reqular patrols. We planned to clock the police patrol on Friday night and carry out our plan on Saturday night.

It was one of those rare extremely cold nights in North Carolina. There was snow on the ground. Temperatures remained below freezing. Mark and I hiked across the cow pasture so we could lay low in a gully and watch the road. We took a bottle of Whiskey to help keep us warm. We watched and watched for several hours and barely a car went by. Never did we see a police car. We were excited because this was going to be easier than we thought.

We decided to go home and finalize our plot for the next evening when suddenly I slipped and fell into a creek. I broke through the ice and was soaked from head to toe. The water on me immediately began to freeze. We rushed to Marks beat up old station wagon his parents gave him. Before we reached the car my teeth began chattering to the point that I'm certain they were heard throughout the entire county.

Mark's car had no heater so I shook and my teeth chattered the whole way home. Once home, I was able to dry off my frozen purple skin. Mark and I drank some more whiskey and we both fell asleep. Him sleeping on my bedroom floor.

When we woke up the next day we didn't even speak of our evil plan again. It was the greatest caper that never was.

Tigger Mania Is Back

After a month or more of being balanced Tigger Mania is back. Last week I experienced a slight jump but today is another story. I couldn't sleep at all last night because of my mania and today I am completely nuts.

For those bloggers who I regularly read daily, don't expect comments from me today. I've tried to read several but my mind is too damn racy to comprehend any of it. I'm having the same problem just writing this.

For now I'm going to go try and use this energy to get some things done. I'll leave you with this video that shows how I'm feeling today.

Enjoy.

Issac Zamora and Societies Responsibility

Last Tuesday, September 2nd, a shooting spree took place in Washington state resulting in the deaths of six people. 28 year old Issac Zamora, a man with a history of mental illness, has been charged with the crime. According to the Seattle Times, Dennise Zamora, the suspect's mother, said her son was "extremely mentally ill" and had been living in the woods on and off for years. She said her son wasn't aware of his mental illnesses. Among those killed was Sheriff Deputy Anne Jackson. Dennise Zamora said Jackson was aware of her son's illness and told the Zamora family to call her anytime for help.

You would expect nothing but rage from the families of the victims, but following is a statement from Sheriff Jackson's family:

We, the family of Anne Jackson, want to acknowledge and extend our profound gratitude to all those people, relatives, friends, complete strangers, and the law enforcement community who have come forward to assist and comfort us in this tragic time.

From the depth of our grief, not only for Anne, but for all of the families affected by this horrific event, we also want to say how proud were and are of Anne. She was committed to her work in the finest sense. She saw her job as an opportunity to help the people of her community.

She was a cheerful and giving soul, loving and beloved. We know that she knew, and had offered her personal help to the family of the man who committed this terrible act, because she had experienced the pain of a similar mental affliction suffered by her own brother.

The sorrows and tragedies of mental illness affect the health of the whole community. We wish to make it clear that we hold no animosity toward Issac Zamora or his family.

Anne Jackson will be remembered with love and respect by everyone who knew her.

What an amazing statement. It shows a family who truly has experienced the pain of having a family member with severe mental illness. Imagine if you lost a love one in a shooting. Would you be able to state that you "hold no animosity"?

When I was placed in the hospital for suicidal depression, I was advised I couldn't own a gun for 5 years. This man had a history of serious mental illness and had just been released from jail a month ago! The Seattle Times additionally states:

Zamora was under state supervision and considered a high-risk offender, with convictions for theft and drug possession. In a news release, DOC Secretary Eldon Vail said Zamora had been released from jail during the first week of August. He had been serving time for felony drug possession, according to court records

How come there are not stricter gun control to keep them out of the hands of men like this? He was considered to be a high risk offender. What kind of society are we that allowed Zamora to roam free with a gun?

Why was this man, who has a long history with the police, and who was severely mentally ill allowed to run free? Why wasn't he institutionalized? Was it complacency? Was it budget cuts? I don't know.

I am not saying that Mr. Zamora is not responsible for his actions. He took the life of six people and must be held accountable for them. I think it is imperative, however, that we look at ourselves. How much society is society at fault? What can we do to prevent these type of events from happening all to often?

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims, including Issac Zamora and his family.

Wendel the Bipolar Sociopath

I was looking through what keywords people have used to reach my blog via Google. Mostly there were no big surprises except on three separate days some one(s) reached my blog by searching for Bipolar Sociopath. There is a difference that I've covered before and if you're interested you can find it here:

How Is Bradley?: Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Psychotic Episodes

In a nutshell, a sociopath may be bipolar or you could say someone who is bipolar may be a sociopath, but a sociopath and someone with bipolar are two entirely separate things.

I've been pondering who may have conducted these searches. Are they people who think they are the same thing? Is it someone wanting to learn what the difference is? Is it someone who has a spouse who is wildly manic and thinks they are therefore a sociopath? Is it someone who has bipolar who worries they are a sociopath?

That's the problem with keywords sometimes. They make me wonder what the person was searching for and that I will never know. It's not that I need to know, it's just that I'm nosy and I really want to know.

Years ago a friend and I use to stand at the end of a bar and make up stories about each individual. We'd literally spend hours doing this and would laugh nonstop. That's kind of what I like to do sometimes with the keyword searchers. I have a story about my Bipolar Sociopath searcher.

35 year old, Wendel Plimke has spent his entire adult life traveling from town to town throughout the midwest, always seeking unsuspecting prey in his schemes. Lately he's used his charm to steal from rich old ladies by having them invest in electric tote bags. Little did these ladies know that electric tote bags were released by A Sharper Image in 2005 and sales were abysmal, resulting in the company going bankrupt and closing all it's stores.

Currently Wendel is living with 84 year old Phyllis Farmer. Ready to invest in Wendel's investment scheme, Phyllis' niece, Willow, became concerned about the goings on between Wendel and her aunt. Wendel's behavior just seemed cold and callous to her. Also she wanted him to go away. The sounds each night of Wendel and her aunt making love in the next room were more than she could bear. She confronted Wendel about his odd behavior and he simply told her he was bipolar.

Willow was unsure Wendel was telling her the truth. She decided to go online and research the differences between a sociopath and those with bipolar. Twice she stumbled on the most amazing blog she has ever read called "How is Bradley?" She became so entranced at his humor and writing ability that she failed to continue her important research.

Still concerned about her aunt, Willow searched again. This time she saw Bradley's blog pop up again in Google and she almost skipped over it to continue her search. Desire got the best of her and she had to read it again. It was at this moment that Wendel walked into the room and realized what she had been researching. Willow was never heard from again.

Okay, Okay. So not a happy ending. Usually our stories didn't. They were much more interesting that way.

Friday Review - Mental Health Humor & Cartoons

If you're looking for another website that looks at mental health in a humorous light then you don't want to miss Chato Stewart's blog, Mental Health Humor and Cartoons. While Chato always has a daily cartoon, I've never found one of them offensive or demeaning. He has a different style than mine. First of all he is light-years ahead of me in quality of drawing. Secondly, his cartoons tend to be lighter and sillier than mine, which likely will make them friendlier to those who might be easily offended by humor about mental health. The last fact about his cartoons is they are always funny. Below is a recent one that I enjoyed.

Chato is very generous, in that all his cartoons are free to use on your blog as long as you link back to his site and are non-profit. This can really add some quality to your blog and is especially good for those days that you are having writer's block.

I'll end this review with a quote by Chato, that sums it up for me as well: "Let use laughter not only to hide our feelings but instead to validate our joy and as we all work on our recovery."

Feeling Good

A Couple of Good Things

I've not been doing well on my diet lately. I'm looking to reach a mini goal of 275lbs. That would be 75% of my goal to lose 24 pounds. I haven't been exercising lately and my eating has been too many sweets. The good news is that I've been stuck at 277 pounds and haven't gained any weight back. Just 2 pounds away from my mini goal. Because of the severe toothache I'm having, which has resulted in my inability to eat most solid foods, maybe I'll reach that goal without even trying.

The other good thing is that I was able to conduct a meeting last night without completely losing it. There's an annual convention that I volunteered my church to host coming up in February. There is much to organize from hotel rooms to food to transportation, and I was able to put a committee together to help make the convention successful. Normally I'm the type that doesn't reach out for help enough and ends up doing everything and bitching that I got no help. This is a big improvement for me and I'm very proud of myself. I was rapidly talking and sweating due to a high anxiety level but I didn't become manic like I normally would. It also would have been easy for me to become depressed during the day while trying to organize the meeting.

I'm loving the fact that I've been balanced this long. It feels good.

Pain and Politics

A couple of weeks ago a major event occurred - I had a filling drop out. I was happy that it only hurt a little so I put off having anything done to it. Dear God, that was a mistake. Two days ago during my vacation in the mountains I started to have a searing pain on that side of my mouth. I'm not talking ordinary pain, I'm talking about feeling like someone has taken a tire iron and smacked it directly into your gum's. I'm talking about feeling like a truck has driven over the right side of your face. I'm talking about feeling like a dentist has drilled your teeth but refused to give you Novocain. Let's just say it hurts like hell.

Today I went to the dentist finally and was asked by the staff about half a dozen times why I was there. Now, I had filled out the paperwork telling them exactly what happened yet they found it necessary to keep on asking. Have you ever wondered why you bother filling out your paperwork in the lobby of any doctors office when it's obvious no one reads it? Anyway, it was extremely painful to keep having to answer their damn questions, but the questions went on and on.

Finally after getting my X-rays done I was able to see the doctor. Literally 5 minutes and $90 later I was told that my tooth is infected and it will have to be removed. $90 for 5 minutes = $1800/hr. That's about $1600/hr more than most therapists in the area. I'm sure it's expensive for dentists to go to school, but how does this bastard sleep at night knowing he's charging that much. I hope his kids enjoy the new cars I'm helping to pay for this Christmas.

So for now, I'm home in pain and waiting for my tooth to be extracted on Monday. I don't know if I can make it. Maybe I'll just try tying my tooth to a door knob and slamming the door shut. At least that will save me a couple of hundred bucks next week.

A Word About The Election...

This is not a political blog Obama so I will try and refrain Obama from discussing politics during this upcoming Obama political season. Since this is a Obama blog about mood disorders, I feel it just Obama doesn't fit to discuss politics. I admit, I am a Obama political junkie, so it might be difficult Obama for me not to mention the election from time Obama to time, but I will do my best to refrain from Obama doing so.

Labor Day

Here in the U.S. it's the Labor Day holiday. It has me pondering the fact that I haven't labored ( had a job ) in 2 1/2 years. Sure, I've done chores around the house and been a pretty good house-husband for the most part, but it's been odd not going to a job outside the home.

The last job I had, before my mental health forced me into disability, was managing a coffee shop. I had worked in an executive position with a fortune 500 company, but I decided not to go back to that. Man was that a mistake. Coffee shops are hard ass work trying to get young kids at minimum wage to make the perfect drink while some bitch complains that they didn't put enough foam on her latte. Make sure you're kind to your local barista.

I've written here about the fact that I'm scared about going back to work. The idea of returning to a day to day job seems more than I am capable of handling at this point. My pdoc has told me not to be concerned because I wont have to go back before I am ready, but I'm still feeling the pressure. One, I'm feeling isolated being home alone all day. Two, I feel guilty living off Social Security when I feel so many are more worthy. It's hard for me to accept the fact, in this instance, that I have a disease that is no less than someone who has a serious physical ailment and am therefore just as worthy.

My fear of returning to work has me focused more on pursuing my own web design business. It's what I was in the process of pursuing before all hell broke loose and seems a natural now. I wont have a direct boss looking down my shoulder and it will allow me to accept as many or as few projects as I can handle. Hopefully over the next year I can reach the point that I will be able to celebrate a true Labor
Day holiday in August.